One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong:
- Oh, it's just terrible - she wailed. Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
- What's that?, the patient asks.
- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds:
- We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.
- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.
- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said:
- I don't hear anything.
The mental patient said:
- Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!
A midget walks into the doctors and says:
- Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching.
The Doc says:
- I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya. So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says:
- How's that?
The midget says:
- Fucking brilliant, what did you do?
The Doc says:
- I trimmed back your high boots
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.
- Doctor, - she said - I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?
- Easy, - said the doctor - Just take the carpet off the floor.
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
- You know, - said the doctor - you really have to learn to trust me.
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
- Doc, - he says - I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again.
- What dream? - asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
- You know, - says the man - the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?
Here's a pretty nasty one:
Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?
→ The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.
A girl goes to the doctor. She says:
- Doc, I'm freakin' out...
- I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do.
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says:
- It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there.
