Newest jokes

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini:

- I want to feel your breasts - he exclaimed.

- Get away from me, you crazy old man - she replied.

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars - he says.

- Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS - he stated.

- NO! Get away from me!

- TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said:

- I said NO!

- FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts - he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

- Well, OK...but only for a minute.

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... - while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him:

- Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.

We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

- Paddy my friend - he said.

- I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.

- No problem - replied Paddy.

- You go an have a good time.

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

- Everything's ok over here - Paddy said.

- Except you're cat. It's dead!

- oly ell - replied O'Leary.

- You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!

- What do you mean? - replied Paddy.

- Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic - explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

- All right O'Leary - he said.

- Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5. Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10. The entire British population lives in London.
11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said:

- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said:

- Oh What a Beautiful little baby

The mother said:

- Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said:

- this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said:

- why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said:

- well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone:

- Get me a coffee, quickly!

The voice from the other side responded:

- You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?

- No - replied the trainee.

- It's the CEO of the company, you fool!

The trainee shouts back:

- And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

- No - replied the CEO indignantly.

- Good! - replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

- Sorry, we don't need anyone... - they replied.

- You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!

- Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

- How in the world did you do that? - they asked.

- I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!

- Did you get a urine sample? - they asked him.

- What's that? - he asked.

- Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says:

- Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's.

- That's good - they said - but what's in those two buckets?

- Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
11. Our love will never become cold and hollow
    Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
12. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
13. This feels so good, it feels so right
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
14. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
    Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
15. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
    But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
16. Through all the things that came to pass
    Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
17. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
18. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
19. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
    you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!