Newest jokes

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...:

- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

- She refuses to let you milk her, saying:

- Not on the first date.

- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

- Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

- Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

- Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

- Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

- She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

- Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

- Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

- Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

- Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

- Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.

- Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells:

- Bullseye!

- Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

- Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

- Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

- You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

- Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

- Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.

And the guy replies:

- I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!

- OK, OK... - says the barman.

- Would you like a drink while you hunt?

Immediately the hunter says:

- Do you have any cheap Gin !!?

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies:

- No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like?

- No - says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him:

- Btw pal... exactly what do you hunt?

- I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said:

- What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

The other bum says:

- Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

A man is in court. The Judges says:

- on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted:

- You dirty rat!

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued:

- ..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder:

- You dirty rotten stinking rat!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said:

- I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?

He replied:

- He is my next door neighbor

The Judge replied:

- I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments

The man replied:

- NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:

- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied:

- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said:

- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied:

- Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

- The 45th bus just went by!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said:

- Son, come here.

He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:

- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked:

- Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that.

The third son replied:

- Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

- How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said:

- Let's get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...

- I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:

- Well, how did I do?

- Pretty good, especially since this is a bus stop! - chuckled the vet.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

- Listen - said the shoplifter.

- I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said:

- This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?