Newest jokes

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

- Girl: Why not ??

- Boy: I'm broke.

- Boy: May I hold your hand??

- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

- Boy: What time was it??

- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

- Boy: You love me...

- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??

- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!

- Girl: How soon??

- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

- Man: You remind me of the sea.

- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

- Man: NO, because you make me sick.

- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

- Lily: So what do you do?

- Sam: I close my eyes.

- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.

- What are you charged with? - he asked.

- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.

- That's no offense - replied the judge.

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - countered the prisoner.

NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

- Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

- Sit, Fluffy! - she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

- I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy - says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts:

- Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

- Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says:

- You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows:

- Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers:

- Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant:

- Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:

- My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage:

- I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage:

- If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage:

- If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage:

- Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage:

- Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage:

- My granpaw retard at age 65.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage:

- We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage:

- I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage:

- Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage:

- Is Bubba smart?

- Nah ... haze ignert.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage:

- I ain't never seed New York City ... view?

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage:

- Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Mike:

- Vat sims to be ze problem?

Mike says:

- I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore.

- Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'

The old man says:

- Mmm-Hm!

and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice:

- Ve haf vays of making you tock!

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

- But you've got no arms... you can't do this job! - says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back:

- Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

- Who is that guy? - one person says.

- I don't know - says another.

- but his face sure rings a bell...

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk:

- I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.

- OK - says the clerk.

- What do you call it?

- A fottle - replies the inventor.

- A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?

- I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.

- And what do you call that? - asks the clerk.

- A farton - replies the inventor.

- That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!

- In that case - says the inventor...

- You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds.

- this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then - says the guy...

- you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:

- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!