Newest jokes

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look:

- What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said:

- You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

- You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

- You think the Bud Bowl is real.

- Your dog goes "oink!"

- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

- Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

- You know how to milk a goat.

- Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

- Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

- You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

- Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

- You have a refrigerator just for beer.

- You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

- You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

- You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

- The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

- You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

- Thank you - he said.

- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...

- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds:

- I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.

An Irish boy put his hand up and said:

- It was St. Patrick.

The teacher said:

- Sorry Sean, that's not correct.

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:

- It was St. Andrew.

The teacher replied:

- I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said:

- It was Jesus Christ.

The teacher said:

- That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2.

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said:

- You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.

Marvin replied:

- Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said:

- Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said:

- He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks:

- where do you want it, front or back?

A Decorator says:

- how do you like it now that it's up?

A Bank manager says:

- don't take it out you'll lose interest!

With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.

The frustrated church leader says:

- The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?

The no-armed man says:

- I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family.

The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says:

- OK give it a try.

And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.

The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says:

- OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?

The church leader says:

- I'm sorry, I didn't ask, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said:

- Sugar, sugar?

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked:

- Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said:

- Ham, pig?

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says:

- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says:

- Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says:

- You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

- Wow! - say the other two.

- That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

- No, but it happened to me sister! - replies the Irish guy.