Newest jokes

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're not ready for them. b. When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.

Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.

The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...

Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.

- How many poles did your group set? - He asked.

- Two. - Replied the Blonde forewoman.

- What! Just, two! - exclaimed the Supervisor.

- The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?

- It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us - replied the Blonde.

- But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said:

- There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added:

- And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said:

- You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied:

- Canada, sir.

- Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada? - asked the manager.

The boy replied:

- They're all just whores and hockey players up there.

- My wife is from Canada!!

The boy replied:

- Really?? What team did she play for?

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy - I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter - and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter - and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

- You'll find them easily - he says...

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

- All right! - bellowed her Mother - you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer.

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs:

- Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.

- I should hope so! - the Mother responded. The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.

- Chill Mom. - the girl said. I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said:

- White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said:

- Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied:

- I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...

- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks

- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.

- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

- I break for hallucinations

- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer

- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)

- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!

- Nuck Fewt

- ORGASM DONOR

- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall

- No radio. Already stolen.

- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

- So many pedestrians, so little time.

- My other wife is beautiful.

- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.

- I love animals - They taste great!

- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.

- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!

- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.