Newest jokes

Man Slamming

- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.

- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

- Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

- Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

- If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.

- Sadly, all men are created equal.

- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

World's Shortest Books

  1. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
  2. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
  3. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
  4. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
  5. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
  6. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
  7. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
  8. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
  9. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
  10. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
  11. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
  12. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
  13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
  14. EASY UNIX
  15. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
  16. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
  17. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
  18. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
  19. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
  20. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
  21. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
  22. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
  23. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
  24. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book......

  1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton

Heaven's Special Rooms

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says:

- oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.

- Who's in that room? - the man asks.

- Oh, those are the holy rollers - says Saint Peter.

- They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.

- Who's in there? - the man asks.

- That's the room for the Shakers - replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man:

- we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound.

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

- Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!

Broken Commandments

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:

- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!

Baby's First Question

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The doctor said:

- No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said:

- Are you my father?

The nurse said:

- No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The new father said proudly:

- Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said:

- So how do YOU like it?!

New Chemical Elements

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Coffee Versus Women

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

- Coffee never runs out.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

- Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.

- You can always heat up coffee.

- Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

- If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

- Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Now That I'm Older

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

- When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?

- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

- If all is not lost, where is it?

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.

- It was all so different before everything changed.

- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

- I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....

- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

God's Billboards

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!

  1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
  2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
  3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You understand? - God
  4. We Need To Talk - God
  5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
  6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
  7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
  8. I Love You ... I Love You ... I Love You ... - God
  9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
  10. Follow Me. - God
  11. Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
  12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
  13. Need Directions? - God
  14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
  15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
  16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
  17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God

Windows 98 Error Codes

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

- Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

- Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

- Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

- Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

- Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

- Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

- Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

- Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited

- Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

- Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

- Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered

- Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

- Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time

- Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found

- Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

- Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors

- Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

- Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN

- Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

- Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

- Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

- Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted

- Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

- Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

- Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

- Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

- Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

- Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

- Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

- Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

- Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

- Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....

- Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

- Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

- Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything