Newest jokes

Six Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodka.

The barman says:

- Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:

- Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife!

Yo Mama Jackpot

Yo mama's like...:

- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.

- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.

- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.

- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.

- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.

- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.

- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

- Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.

- Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

- Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

- Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

- Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.

- Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.

- Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.

- Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.

- Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."

- Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.

- Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

- Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.

- Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

- Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

- Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

- Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.

- Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.

- Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

- Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

- Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.

- Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

- Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

- Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.

- Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

- Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

- Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.

- Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.

- Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

- Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

- Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.

- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.

- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.

- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.

- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.

- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

- Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.

- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.

- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

- Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!

- Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"

- Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!

- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!

- Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"

- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

- Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!

- Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!

- Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

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Chain Letter For Men

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

Mortuary Banners

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

- Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

- Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.

Mad Cow Disease

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said:

- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies:

- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!

Ranch Name

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

Why Oh Why

WHY? ......

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
  9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
  10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
  11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
  12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
  13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
  14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
  15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
  16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
  22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Gulf War Riddles

What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing, yet.

What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
→ Turkey.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
→ They both have Kurds in their Whey.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

What is the best Iraqi job?
→ Foreign Ambassador

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None. They can't turn them on anyway.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

"How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
→ "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... A-10

What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck

What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
→ Aeroflot has killed more people.

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
→ So they can see their Air Force.

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
→ He elected to receive.

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
→ They need a map....

Monica Counters Clinton

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.

- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

- Thank you. - Monica Lewinsky

Nixon Versus Clinton

Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her