Newest jokes

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted...:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

- One, you have not studied your lesson.

- Two, you have a dirty mind.

- And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
11. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
13. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
14. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
15. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
16. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
17. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
18. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

She has a thicker moustache than you....

When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole....

Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin....

At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno....

At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan....

She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So... How am I doin'?

I miss my teddy bear...

Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name's [name], but you can call me "lover".

(another quarter line) Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt) Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is [name], how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. What sign were you born under? No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."