Newest jokes

State Capitals

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her:

- go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims:

- I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says:

- Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says:

- That's easy! It's M!

Tyson Excuses

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

  1. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
  2. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"
  3. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters
  4. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
  5. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith
  6. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"
  7. Ears is tasty
  8. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!
  9. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"
  10. He ran out of gum

Odd Questions

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking --

- Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say:

- Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say:

- No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?

Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?

- Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Three Conditions

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her;

- Don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

- I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

- No problem!! I buy. I buy.

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man:

- I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

- Okay, okay. I build, I build.

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

- Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman:

- Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

Blank-Gasms

  • Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
  • Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
  • Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
  • Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
  • Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
  • Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
  • Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
  • Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
  • Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
  • Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
  • Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
  • Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
  • Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
  • Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
  • Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
  • Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
  • Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
  • Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
  • Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
  • Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
  • Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
  • Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
  • Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
  • Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
  • Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
  • Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
  • Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
  • Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
  • Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
  • Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
  • Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
  • Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
  • Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
  • Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
  • Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
  • Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
  • Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
  • Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
  • Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
  • Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
  • Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
  • Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
  • Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
  • Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
  • Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

Love, Lust, Or Marriage

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Something Religious

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced:

- Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

- Now, now, keep calm, folks - he said.

- Let's all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

- Why aren't you bowing your head to pray? - the minister asked.

- Well, I don't know how to pray, - replied the passenger.

- Well, just do something religious! - piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

The Doctor's Pills

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

Bubba And The Preacher

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself:

- If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser.

So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher:

- Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker.

The preacher turns to Bubba and says:

- No son, but I got him with the door.

Surgery Phrases To Avoid

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

  1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
  3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
  4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
  5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
  7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  9. Damn, there go the lights again...
  10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
  11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
  13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  14. I hope his family won't miss him
  15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
  16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
  18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.