Newest jokes

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

1. On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.
2. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
3. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!
4. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
5. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
6. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
7. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"

- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

- Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.

- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.

- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

- Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says:

- If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.

The old man snaps back:

- Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said:

- I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom:

- Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

- You've got to have a room somewhere, - he pleaded.

- Or just a bed, I don't care where.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

- No problem, - the tired Marine assured him.

- I'll take it.

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

- How'd you sleep? - Asked the manager.

- Never better.

The manager was impressed.

- No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

- Nope, I shut him up in no time. - Said the Marine.

- How'd you manage that? - asked the manager.

- He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, - the Marine explained.

- I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!