Newest jokes

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

- Lord save me from your followers.

- God must love stupid people. He made so many.

- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said:

- I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.

The feet said:

- We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said:

- We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do!

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

- It`s for my husband - she tells the clerk.

- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.

- Are you kidding? - she says.

- He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement:

- Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:

- What's the matter Jim?

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:

- Throw me my 7-iron... You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!

Your Momma is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

I Still Miss My Ex..

But My Aim Is Getting Better!

How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?
→ Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

- Your mamma is so ugly, when she was born, she had an incubator with tinted windows

- Your mamma is so ugly, the doctor's still smacking her ass.

- Your mamma is so funky, she used secret and it told on her.

- Your mamma's drawls is so funky, roaches checkin' in but not out.

- Your mamma is so fat, can't wear daisy dukes, wears boss hoggs.

- Your mamma is so fat, police use her as a road block.

- Your mamma is so fat, needs a six-piece bikini.

- Your mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises.

- Your mamma's cooking is so bad, the homeless gives it back.

- Your mamma is so short, her feet swings on the toilet.

Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?
→ He didn't see the Ewe turn!