Newest jokes

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says:

- I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Second guy says:

- I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Not to be outdone, the third guy says:

- Hell, that's nothing... I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who was that??!!

- Oh - replies the husband - that was my mistress.

- That's it - says the wife - I want a divorce.

- Ok - replies her husband - but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

- Who is that woman with Jim? - she asks.

- That's his mistress - replies her husband.

- Ours is much better looking. - says the wife.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

- Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
11. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
12. Hide and Go Pee
13. Simon Says something Incoherent
14. Doc, Doc Goose
15. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
16. Kick the Bucket
17. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
18. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
19. Sag, You're It

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

- I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive - says the beaming boy to the his dad.

- Nope - comes dad's reply - I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She yells:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!?!

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik:

- So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began:

- They accuse me of intervening in Angola...

and a man going through the audience called out:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on:

- They say I'm intervening in Mozambique...

and the same loud voice shouted:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued:

- They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua...

and the voice yelled again:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered:

- Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami.

And everybody in the audience started shouting:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!