This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks:
- What part did you get?
He replies:
- I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congradulated him. And then he said:
- Thats good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!
What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
→ ET - The extra testicle!
What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!
How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.
Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can eat the last doughnut.
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:
- Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said:
- I do Father.
The priest said:
- Then stand over there against the wall.
Then the priest asked the second man:
- Do you want to go to heaven?
- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.
- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said:
- Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said:
- No, I don't Father.
The priest said:
- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said:
- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
It's a bummer to be an egg because...
Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, "we are family".
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked:
- What the hell was that all about?
Still staring down, the drunk replied:
- I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!
