Newest jokes

NAME:
→ I am Applyin

DESIRED POSITION:
→ Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
→ $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
→ Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
→ Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
→ Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
→ My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
→ It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
→ Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
→ 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
→ Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
→ If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
→ Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
→ I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
→ I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
→ Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
→ Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?
→ The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
→ No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
→ Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

- In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

- On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

- On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

- On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

- On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."

- On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

- At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

- On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

- In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

- In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."

- On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

- In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

- Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1. A certified medical excuse
2. A death in the student's immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked:

- What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said:

- Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?

For those of us folks who chat on line too much?

If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'bly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.

Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!

It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.

Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!

Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

- On a woman - the doctor said.

- your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

- How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands.

- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

3 students raise their hands.

- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says:

- Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says:

- Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost.

The student replies:

- Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked:

- Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked:

- Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked:

- Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?

- Oh, no! - the little girl replied.

- Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.

A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.

K - KISS: Mom's medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked:

- Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded:

- There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.

The woman responded:

- PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied:

- Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says, "you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".

So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"

The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"