Newest jokes

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.

The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.

- Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun.

This, of course was met with much ridicule.

They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat.

- Simple, we're going at night!

What's delaying the hillbilly space program?
→ Development of a working match.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

- Don't cry, little one. - replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and POOF, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing.

- I don't know where the wizard is - he sobbed.

- Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad - said the good witch.

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
The Railroad

Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Your truly,
A Commuter

Quote from a recent meeting:

- We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss...:

- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss:

- We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me:

- What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:

- I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate:

- I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry:

- We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
→ There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
→ Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
→ To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
→ A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
→ Bloody great holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
→ Elephino.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
→ Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
→ So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
→ To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying...:

- It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:

- It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them:

- It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth:

- It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another:

- It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them:

- It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:

- This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.

What do elephants use for condoms?
→ Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
→ Epileptic pigmies.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
→ 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
→ There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ?
→ His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
→ A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away his credit card.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
→ A two-ton pickup.

What did the female elephant say during sex?
→

- Can I be on top this time?

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
→ Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
→ Wipe it off!

Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
→ None of the offspring survived.

How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
→ VERY attractive.

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
→ The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
→ Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
→ He stamped it to death and then said:

- Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
→ Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
→ Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
→ Lots of room.

What's grey and comes in quarts?
→ An elephant.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
→ Swim for your life!!

Why do elephants lay on their backs?
→ To trip low flying canaries.

Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
→ He wasn't laying on his back.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
→ Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
→ Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
→ Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
→ Slow pygmies.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.