Newest jokes

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket...how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
Alimony? ...sounds kind like all yer money
No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices...

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outgo Tax 45.21
State Tax 61.10
Interstate Tax 5.89
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rual Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Knickknack Tax 1.98
Hackensack Tax 3.93
Thumbtax 0.98
Carpet Tax 0.69
Snack Tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Ma'am Tax 3.46
Parking Fee 5.00
No Parking Fee 10.00
F.I.C.A. 81.88
T.G.I.F 9.95
Life Ins. 5.85
Health Ins. 16.23
Disability Ins. 2.50
Ability Ins. 0.25
Liability Ins. 3.41
Dental Ins. 4.50
Mental Ins. 4.33
Fundamental Ins. 0.11
Coffee 6.85
Coffee Cups 66.51
Calendar Rental 3.06
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental 4.32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don'ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mountain Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Daylight Savings Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Oxygen 10.22
Water 16.54
Electricity 38.23
Heat 51.42
Air Conditioning 46.83
Misc. 169.24
Total Take Home Pay = $0000.02

This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.

It's time to turn your computer off and read a book when....

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother. She doesn't have a modem.
11. You check you mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said:

- Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.

The doctor checks her out and says:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

- Well - she said.

- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father then says:

- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister:

- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?

The sister replies:

- Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father answers:

- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.