A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
- Alright - said the husband - when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.
- Okay - said the wife - What should I do then?
- Well, when you want to have sex - he told her - rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him:
- When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.
- Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex - said the researcher.
- Would you mind if I had a look at it?
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.
The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:
The businessman never argued.
- What kind of job do you do? - a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.
- I'm a naval surgeon - he replied.
- Goodness! - said the lady - How you doctors specialize these days!
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him:
- Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.
- Give me the bad news first, Doc. - says the patient.
- I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.
- Oh my god! - the patient cries, breaking into tears.
- But the good news - the doctor adds - is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!
Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying:
- No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba
The African surgeon is saying:
- No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm
They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them.
- Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."
After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says:
- I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why? So he can make a new hole!
For years 'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
An always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal. . .
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down.
My boob was in a vise!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squeezed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now. . .
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!!
This machine was made by a man,
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months, he'd go "without"!!
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
- Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy - he said, pointing to the urine bottle.
- Oh, really? - she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.
- In that case, we'd better run it through again...
