Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.
They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.
(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)
What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
→ You're never alone!
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out:
- You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you...
The man begins crying:
- I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me...
The bar tender takes pity:
- Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says:
- Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..
- Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.
- Well, that's great. This beer is on the house.
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
- You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!
- I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
- Nobody - comes the reply.
- Good - says the man - I must have escaped!
- Oh doctor - moaned the woman to the psychiatrist.
- Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!
- I understand - said the shrink.
- But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!
There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.
Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.
Elle put on more make-up saying:
- They always rescued the beautiful ones first.
Cindy donned her jewelery claiming:
- They would rescue the richest one first - upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying:
- You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it:
- I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do... - Lenny Bruce
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:
- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?
In a strident voice, she responded:
- How dare you make such a proposition to me!
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:
- I just asked for the time, miss.
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:
- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:
- I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:
- YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!
