Newest jokes

She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And so all night long, it was on-her and off-er!

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.

- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.

- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.

- what are we going to do?

- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.

- Will that cure me?

- Well no - says the doctor.

- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained:

- You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says:

- Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says:

- The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy:

- HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!

The city guy says:

- Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over) So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders:

- Its my turn

The famer looks at him and says:

- aw Hell, keep the damn duck!

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
→ Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - says the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

What does a sign on a whorehouse say in the middle of the day?
→ Beat it - we're closed.

What does a black boy get for Christmas?
→ Your Bike.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- Wow! What happened then? - they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered:

- She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'