Newest jokes

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

- Well - says the doctor:

- I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

- Oh, no. - the woman replies.

- I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers:

- There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.

- That's what I want! - exclaims the lady.

- Let's do that.

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

- Well, how's the procedure holding up? - the doctor asks.

- Terrible! - the lady bellows.

- It's the worst mistake I've ever made.

- What's wrong? - asks the doctor.

- Just look at these bags under my eyes! - she hollers.

- Lady - the doctor reports:

- those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".

- Yes - she replied.

- All three sons are named Leroy.

- Why would you do that? - inquired the government worker.

- It makes it much easier to get things done - was her reply.

- Leroy, time for bath.

And they all would get in the bath.

- Leroy, time for supper.

And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

- Oh that's easy - she replied.

- I just call them by their last name.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies!

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said:

- You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said:

- No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said:

- Now THAT'S a good date!!

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
→ A liquor cabinet.

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally:

- I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.

Sally replied:

- I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.