Yo mama's so poor she wears her McDonald's uniform to church
Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled:
- Hey where'd grandma go?!?!?!
Yo mama's so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said:
- Two trees to your left
Yo mama's so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.
A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window:
- Christian Horse for Sale.
Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.
The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."
The Pastor grabbed the reins.
- giddyap.
The horse ignored him.
- no, no - counseled the owner.
- This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"
The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop.
- He won't answer to 'Whoa' - said the owner.
- It's "Amen."
The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said:
- Praise the Lord - and went riding into the countryside.
Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.
The Pastor cried:
- whoa!
but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed:
- AMEN!!!!!
just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.
The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted:
- PRAISE THE LORD!
How do you make a dead baby float?
→ Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest:
- Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said:
- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
- Never Father, I'm Jewish.
- So then, why are you telling me?
- Because I'm telling everybody!
Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.
Olie replied:
- We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.
This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again.
- You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.
The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied:
- We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.
A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily:
- Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!
A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor asked the man:
- What are you doing, walking the dog?
The man replied:
- Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions...
And the man said to his toothbrush:
- Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!
What do you call a witch at the beach?
- I don't know?
- A sand-witch!
A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.
The waitress comes over and says:
- Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman says:
- No he didn't, he just walked in the door.
- Have you driven a Ford lately?
- Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!
Why were blondes created?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
