Newest jokes

How do you confuse a woman??
→ Give her a choice!!

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his OWN pockets.

Why did the gum cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the chickens foot!

Yo' Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said:

- All My Children

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:

- This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing:

- What's so funny? - asks the clerk.

- I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house - the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says:

- Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.

The man takes another look through the scope and says:

- You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

- Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said:

- I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.

The priest said:

- I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing:

- I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!