Newest jokes

Thanks Doc

A patient says to his doctor:

- Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!

Doctor says to patient:

- You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

... next day... patient says:

- Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!

Doctor says:

- Oh really? That's good to hear!

Patient says:

- Oh by the way,

- You've got a great house!

The Witch

Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.

The woman was like, they're old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.

After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2:

- How was your whore?

- She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?

- She was a witch.

- What do you mean a witch?

- I bit her tit and she flew out the window!

Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck:

- My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says:

- Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!

Microsofties

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 10.

- 1 to release a beta version

- 1 to complete the documentation

- 1 to test for hardware compatibility

- 1 to deny tech support

- 1 to configure the TCP/IP

- 1 to check for y2k compliance

- 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software

- 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder

- 1 to change the bulb.

(That's nine because there's always one more thing you need.)

Great Thinkers of Our Time

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

- Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

- Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

- I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

- Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

- I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

- Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

- That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - A congressional candidate in Texas

- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

- I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. - John Wayne

- Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. - General William Westmoreland

- It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream. - Rev. Jesse Jackson

- I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America. - President William Jefferson Clinton

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

- I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

Simple Chinese

  • Dung On MAI Shu - I stepped in excrement
  • Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu - Let's sleep together
  • Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
  • Fat Ho - An unattractive woman
  • Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation greeting
  • Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
  • Chow Mai Dong - Romantic proposition
  • Dum Gai - A stupid person
  • Wel Hung Gai - Is that a banana in your pocket?
  • Won Hung Low - Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
  • Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
  • Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
  • Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
  • Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
  • Kum Hia - Approach me
  • Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan's Island
  • Lao Zi - Not very good
  • Lin Ching - An illegal execution
  • Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
  • Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
  • Shai Gai - A bashful person
  • Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
  • Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
  • Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
  • Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
  • Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
  • Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
  • Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
  • Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice

Race to LA

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?
→ The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!