Newest jokes

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
→ A tick falls off you when you die !

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
→ Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
→ Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?
→ Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
→ Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it!

What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
→ He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

- Knock Knock!

- Who's There?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne Who?

- Dwayne The Bathtub and I'm Dwowning!

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

- You collect dead windowsill flies.

- Every time the phone rings, you shout:

- Hey! An angel just got its wings!

- You like cats. Especially with mayo.

- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

- Melba toast sexually excites you.

- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?
→ Santa flys, not runs, there aren't any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said:

- Thank you, but my God will save me.

Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out:

- Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!

Once again she thanked him profusely and said:

- My God will save me.

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by:

- Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die.

She just smiled:

- My God will save me - she said quietly.

Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter:

- This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you.

Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied:

- You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?

God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:

- My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!

What goes up when you count down?
→ A Rocket Ship!

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying:

- What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said:

- But officer this is my wife.

The officer said:

- Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.

The man said:

- Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.