Newest jokes

For Chocolate Lovers:

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
→ Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

What is Black and White and Red all over?
→ A Newspaper

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.

How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.

How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

Why did the condom fly across the room??
→ It got pissed off!!!

How do you get a one-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave!

How do you get a two-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave both hands!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.
11. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
12. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
13. There's an ATM in the lobby.
14. Choir wears leather robes.
15. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
16. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
17. Karaoke Worship Time.
18. Ushers ask:

- Smoking or Non-smoking?

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh
The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh
The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh
His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman?
→ Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest?
→ Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills?
→ A Humanitarian.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:

- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

- Hell - said Herman.

- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!