Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?
Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:
- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you
and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says:
- The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.
The Frenchman says:
- I take ze poison.
The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says:
- Vive la France!
and drinks it down.
The Englishman says:
- A pistol for me, please.
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says:
- God save the queen!
and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says:
- Gimme a fork.
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams:
- What are you doing???
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says:
- So much for your canoe, asshole!
What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said:
- Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job.
Boudreaux said:
- Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?
The manager said:
- We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.
Boudreaux asked:
- An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?
The manager replied:
- Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
How do you make a tissue dance?
→ Put a little boogie in it.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks:
- What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?
The young man replies:
- A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.
- That's a lot of money - says the old man, shocked.
- Why does it cost so much?
- Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! - states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks:
- Can I take a look inside?
- Sure - replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says:
- That's a pretty nice car, all right!
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
- What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4? - the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
- Couldn't be - thinks the guy.
- How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says:
- You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man groans and replies:
- Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic.
- What seems to be the matter?
- Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.
- Let me have look.
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
- Thank goodness - she said.
- What was the matter?
- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.
Looking shocked she asked:
- Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:
- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man:
- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
The Pakistani man replied:
- Just try them on.
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:
- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.
What is black and white and red all over?
→ A panda bear with diaper rash!
