Newest jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man:

- Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies:

- See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says:

- I wish for a million bucks.

All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says:

- That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he.

The guy replies:

- no kidding!

- You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying:

- this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked:

- What would a woman like this cost me??

The voice answered:

- an arm and a leg.

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked:

- What can I get for just a rib???

The rest is history . . .

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said:

- I think I'll go up and get a Coke. (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

- No problem - said the Jew.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said:

- That looks good. Think I'll have one too.

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

- How long must this go on? - he asked.

- This enmity between our peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully:

- My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house.

The second man steps up to tee and says:

- Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car.

The third man steps up and says:

- My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says:

- Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.

1st he went to his Brother and asked:

- Could you give me a spelling word?

His Brother answered:

- ShutUp

So he wrote down Shutup.

2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered:

- Certainly

He wrote down certinly.

3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.

4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered:

- In my Little Blue Car

The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked:

- Do you want to go to the principles office?

He said is second word:

- Certainly.

In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered:

- Lolipop!!

Then the principal asked:

- What do you think your punishment should be?

The boy answered:

- To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said:

- Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying:

- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end:

- Where is your P?

The boy answered:

- Running down my pants!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?
→ There's skid marks in front of the deer!

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
→ Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.