Newest jokes

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!

- Dad! - says Johnny

- What are you doing!

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says:

- Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card.

- Oh - says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away!

- Ernie! - cried Johnny

- What are you doing!.

Ernie stops humping for a second and says:

- Well... I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard.

- Oh - says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style!

- Johnny! - his father said

- I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?

Johnny replies:

- With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her:

- Do you have grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies:

- Well, we have three acres.

- No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? - asks the attorney.

- No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00 - she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks:

- Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states:

- No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks:

- Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?

- Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around?

The man answered:

- HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

- 17... Wine coolers

- 25... White wine

- 35... Red wine

- 48... Dom Perignon

- 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

- 17... Need to wash my hair

- 25... Need to wash and condition my hair

- 35... Need to color my hair

- 48... Need to have Francois color my hair

- 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

- 17... shopping

- 25... shopping

- 35... shopping

- 48... shopping

- 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

- 17... shopping

- 25... shopping

- 35... shopping

- 48... shopping

- 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

- 17... "Burger King"

- 25... "Free meal"

- 35... "A diamond"

- 48... "A bigger diamond"

- 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

- 17... tall, dark and handsome

- 25... tall, dark and handsome with money

- 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

- 48... a man with hair

- 66... a man

HOUSE PET

- 17... Muffy the cat

- 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

- 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

- 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat

- 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

- 17... 17

- 25... 25

- 35... 35

- 48... 48

- 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

- 17... He offers to pay

- 25... He pays

- 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning

- 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

- 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

- 17... Beer

- 25... Beer

- 35... Scotch

- 48... Double scotch

- 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

- 17... My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.

- 48... My wife is away for the weekend.

- 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

- 17... Sex

- 25... Sex

- 35... Sex

- 48... Sex

- 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

- 17... Pot

- 25... Cocaine

- 35... Really good cocaine

- 48... Power

- 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

- 17... Cop a feel

- 25... Breakfast

- 35... She didn't set back my therapy

- 48... I didn't bump into her kids.

- 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

- 17... Third base

- 25... Airplane sex

- 35... Menage a trois

- 48... Taking her company public

- 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

- 17... Roaches (to be burned later)

- 25... Old college roommate

- 35... Irish setter

- 48... Children from her first marriage

- 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

- 17... 25

- 25... 35

- 35... 48

- 48... 66

- 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

- 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- 25... Split the check before we go back to my place

- 35... Just come over

- 48... Just come over and cook

- 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some:

- A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

- Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

- Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking handsome man gets on. So then the brunette turns to the blond and says:

- Wow, he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off.

- I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders! - said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused look and said:

- Ok, but how do you give shoulders?

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a torch in her ear!

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

- Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said:

- But your sign says that you have vacancies.

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

- You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

- I'll have you know, I converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said:

- Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

- How was Jesus born?

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

- He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.

- Very good - replied the hotel clerk.

- Tell me more.

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

- He was born in a manger.

- That's right - said the hotel clerk.

- And why was he born in a manger?

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:

- Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says:

- You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says:

- You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said

- you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes - she said.

- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!