Newest jokes

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked:

- So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied:

- I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:

- What are you doing?

She said:

- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded:

- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Yes it is - the man replies.

- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.

- No thanks - the man replies.

- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.

- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.

- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.

- Yes it is - replies the man.

- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.

- Okay. How much this time! - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says:

- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.

- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.

- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.

- Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. - the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

The priest says:

- Don't you start that crap in here now!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?

The grandfather replies:

- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

- Ah - said the doctor

- Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.

- Oh - said Her Majesty.

- Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

- Goodness Gracious! - shrieked Her Majesty

- I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!

- Ah - said the Doctor

- same problem - better health plan.

What is a frogs favorite drink?
→ Croak-a-cola!

Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?
→ Are they afraid someone might clean them!?