Newest jokes

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda:

- Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

- Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.

All were humming:

- Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.

- My medium... Vashtri, - she called.

- Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called:

- Grampa? Zayde?

- Ah, Milteleh? - a thin voice quavered.

- Yes! Yes! - cried Milty.

- This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?

- Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord! A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until:

- So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.

- Zayde, when did you learn to speak English? - sighed Milty.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

- So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

- So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher.

- That's how they do it in Cornwall too. And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

- So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.

- Over your shoulders? - replies the researcher.

- Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?

- What? - says the farmer.

- And miss out on all the kissing?!

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?
→ Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!

Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
→ The majority of them can't pass the bar!

What is total agony?
→ A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story building, with a serious case of jock itch.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

- Brenda, may I come in? - he asks.

- I've somethin' to tell ya.

- Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?

- That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.

- Oh, God no! - cries Brenda.

- Please don't tell me...

- I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

- How did it happen, Tim?

- It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

- Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?

- Well, no Brenda, no.

- No?

- Fact is, he got out three times to pee.

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.

Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.

But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

- Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said:

- Well, I have discovered men are all alike!

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table.

- Gal, men are all Ah like, too! - she said.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

- Sid, are there any Jews in China? - asked Al.

- I don't know, - Sid replied.

- Why don't we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him:

- Are there any Chinese Jews?

- I don't know sir, let me ask, - the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said:

- No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

- Are you sure? - Al asked.

- I will check again, sir. - the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said:

- I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.

When the waiter returned he said:

- Sir, no Chinese Jews.

- Are you really sure? - Al asked again.

- I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.

- Sir, I ask everyone, - the waiter replied exasperated.

- We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!