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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

What's green and has wheels?
→ A Frog
I lied about the wheels

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

- First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

- Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out."

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it…

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.

"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."

As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.

The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.

"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.

"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

How do you make a cat drink?

1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix then serve

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:

- So, why the long face?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
→ I'd have to say it was the rooster!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside?
→ A cockroach.

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
→ Because they can.

Why does a dog lick his balls?
→ Because he can't make a fist.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

- I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.

- Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up!

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
→ Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

Here's a sad one...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.

Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"