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Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?
→ 'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?
→ 'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?
→ peer pressure...

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
→ Scared the hell out of the dog.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?
→ Sparky

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?
→ A Yard 'n' half o' snot!

What do you get if you sleep under a cow?
→ A PAT on the head.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
→ The wrong answer.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldozer

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

What does a lion call a antelope?
→ Fast food.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
→ A headbanger

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks, "Why are you doing that?"

The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds?
→ Half a cheetah.

For all animal lovers out there:

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
→ Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and...

How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
→ Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
→ Take it for a drag.

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One said to the other: 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"