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- I hope I'm not poisonous.

- Why?

- Because I bit my lip!

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because his horns are broke!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was stapled to the monkey.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

What has two legs and bleeds?
→ Half a dog.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"

Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
→ Because 4 inches isn't enough.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?
→ Moooo-ooo-ooo

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ Eight beers.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
→ Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?
→ Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.

Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.

He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head.

The druggist says "May I help you?" The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around."

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
→ So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
→ Right where you left him.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam".

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.

The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, "Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.

"Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"