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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
→ None, they only screw the poor

How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
→ Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been"
Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"

The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

Three Republicans walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."
The Republicans say, "That's OK... We don't serve you either."

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:

- I'd like to become the next President of the United States.

- The receptionist: What are you, an idiot?

- Redneck: Why, is it required?

Definition:
Politics Poli (Poly):
Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
...what kind of fool am I?

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."

"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
→ One of them is organized.

Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
→ For spare parts.

How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
→ There is writing on the White-out.

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
→ Put Janet Reno in charge.

What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
→ No fee--If No Recovery!

How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
→ His heart stops bleeding.

How does Al Gore spell potato?
→ T-A-T-E-R.