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Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.
→ The American people.

How long does a United States Congressman serve?
→ Until he gets caught.

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?"

Another madman said, "Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."

Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.

Why is Congress like a cold?
→ Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?"

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And…

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC.

He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway."

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward.

The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

"Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but I've only come up with one: Lying.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

- Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

- Pres: You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
→ One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
→ Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
→ None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. They haven't got a policy on that.

How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?