After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the apartment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."
A man calls his family doctor:
- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.
- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.
- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.
- Is this really your third marriage?
- Sure is.
- What happened to your first two wives?
- They died.
- How did your first wife die?
- She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
- What about your second wife?
- She died from a severe skull fracture.
- How did she get a skull fracture?
- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?
→ No more blowjobs.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".
A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.
She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.
His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit…
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you told her twice.
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?
- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.
- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?
- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.
- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are…
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.
And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
- Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
- Bob: Darts?
- Bill: Nah.
- Bob: Shoot some pool?
- Bill: Nah.
- Bob: Cards?
- Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.
- Bob: Whadaya mean?
- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
- He: Your sense of humor.
- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
- He: Your sense of humor.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
Wedding cake!
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around…
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
