Latest

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes," replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"
She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"

I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one".

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

- She: Do you think of me when you're away darling?

- He: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said, "I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?"

"I would like nothing better." said Emery.

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"

The tri stages of sex in marriage-

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"

"Because I'm a prostitute."

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married twice..."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was............. Oh God, I miss him!"

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, "I don't have a headache!"
He says, "Aha!"

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."

The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."

The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.