Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder.
- Woman: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you.
- Guy: An alligator?
- Woman: Close enough
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this…
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom…
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
What's the penalty for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law
If at first you don't succeed...
buy her another drink
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.
After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
- He: Your sense of humor.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
- Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.
- Father: When was the last time you made a confession?
- Man: I never have, I am Jewish.
- Father: Then why are telling me all this?
- Man: I am telling everybody ...
Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
→ He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.
Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
