Latest

- Lady (standing in the middle of a busy street): Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?

- Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

- Officer: Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?

- Man: I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.

- Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.

- Man: I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.

- Officer: Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.

- Man: Can't do that either.

- Officer: Why not?

- Man: Because I'm dead drunk.

Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?
→ The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop.

"What's the matter?!" she asked.

"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.

"What are you talking about?"

"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being murdered in this house."

- Police Chief: Why do you spend all your time trying to hit flies?

- Officer: You assigned me to the swat team, didn't you?

- Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that criminal?

- Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

- Police Chief: Why did you ticket the computer?

- Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

- Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor?

- Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

- Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building?

- Officer: I'm making a house arrest

- Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me that ticket?

- Policeman: It was a moving violation.

- Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

- Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."

- Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

- Woman: Officer you must help. I've just lost my wig.

- Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the area.

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm?
→ He has a flashing light.

"I'll have to report you, sir," said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour."

"Nonsense, officer," declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."

What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?
→ A fair cop.

What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?
→ A fair cop.

What did the police officer say to his stomach?
→ I've got you under a vest.

- Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula?

- Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.

The police are looking for a thief with one eye.
→ Why don't they use two?

- Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident?

- Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, 'Stop? Look? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.

"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm afraid not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes shut!"

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all…

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

- Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

- No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

- Officer, who provided this description?

- The officer who responded to the scene.

- A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

- Yes sir, with my life.

- With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

- Yes sir, we do.