Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the ticket, one Ranger turned to the other and said, "How do you spell Waxahachie?"
The other one replied, "I don't know."
So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed."
The second Ranger said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?"
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
- Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
- Caller: Hi, is this the police?
- Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
- Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and the man says to his wife:
- And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!
A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The seargent says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to "Make out Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act.
When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him was knitting.
He tapped on the window and said he was with the police department then asked how old he was and the guy said, "I'm 22 sir." "Well how old is she?" the officer then asked.
Looking at his watch the guy replied, "She'll be 18 in about 6 minutes."
A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?…
One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police.
"Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record.
"Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied. "Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all."
How many cops does it take to change light bulb?
→ Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
→ Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
→ Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."
How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb?
→ Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place to make u-turn up there.
Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spotted hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
→ Stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't exist.
Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
