A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said:
- Why did you put up such a fight?
To which the man promptly replied:
- I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was…
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.
- Shut Up - replied Shut Up.
- Stupid - replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. - Excuse Me! - shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names:
- Shut Up!
- Stupid!
The police chief was very riled. He then asked:
- Are you looking for trouble?!!!
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says:
- meow
The cop says:
- oh, its only a cat
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says:
- woof, woof
The cop says:
- its only a dog
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks:
- You drinkin'?
The driver said:
- You buyin'?
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him:
- What do you think you're doing?
After a moment the man replied:
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:
- STOP! Acts 2:38! ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:
- Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.
- Scripture? - replied the burglar.
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
- Well - says the old fellow - I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.
The policeman looks at the old man and says:
- You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!
So the old man says:
- I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
- What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? - said the officer.
- I'm going to a lecture - the man said.
- And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? - the cop asked.
- My wife - said the man.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:
- I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman:
- I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.
The giant nodded.
- If I had some chains - the deputy continued - you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
- I can't get out of these - the giant growled.
- Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
- Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said:
- Hey, sarge, why did you stop?
The sarge replied:
- He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
- Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
- Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
- Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?
- Yep.
- Did they chop your firewood?
- Yep.
- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.
A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
- Mister - the patrolman said to the driver - I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
- Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? - inquired the officer.
- Mister - exclaimed the telephone lineman - I was at the top of the pole!
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
- This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers:
- That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!
The policeman says:
- Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE.
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her:
- This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says:
- Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff:
- I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:
- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?
The officer replied:
- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said:
- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said:
- How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?
- No, ma'am - explained the officer - it's your foot.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
- Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!! - he whined.
- You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! - retorted the officer.
- You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!
- Oh no! - replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
- Where's my Rolex???!!!
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said:
- I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk.
The wasted wino asked:
- Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?
- Yeah, buddy, I'm sure - said the copper.
- Let's go.
Obviously relieved, the wino said:
- That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself:
- This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him:
- Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?
- Ma'am - the officer replies - You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer:
- Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?
The farmer replied:
- No, I didn't knowed that.
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said:
- To Memphis.
The cop said:
- I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.
So the farmer promised he would.
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
- Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?
The woman replied:
- Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied:
- Ma'am... that's your air freshener.
