These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says:
- Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says:
- What's a shortage?
The Russian says:
- What's meat?
The North Korean says:
- What's an opinion?
The New Yorker, says:
- Excuse me?? What's excuse me?
Northerners visiting the South
Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.
- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.
- That's the same with us - the American said.
- only we see stars, too.
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:
- What are you going to do with the money?
- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.
- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
- Don't know of collateral.
- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?
- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.
The banker shook his head:
- How about livestock?
- Yes, I have a horse.
- Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
- Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
- Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
- Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
- Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
- Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked:
- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again:
- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said:
- I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.
So the Indian asked again:
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and…
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
- Aig - What a hen lays
- Aints - He's got aints in his paints
- Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
- Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
- Bag - He bagged her to marry him
- Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
- Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says:
- The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.
The Frenchman says:
- I take ze sword.
The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says:
- a pistol for me please.
The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says:
- Gimme a fork!
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week.
- Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
- 91% of us lie regularly.
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver:
- What's that building there?
- That's the Royal York Hotel - replied the cabbie.
- The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? - asked the Texan.
- About 12 years - replied the cabbie.
- 12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.
- What's that building over there? - asked the Texan.
- That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre - replied the cabbie.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:
- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them:
- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:
- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him:
- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:
- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.
- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies.
- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.
The second Englishman remarked:
- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:
- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!
- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.
Harlez-vous français?
→ CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
→ I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris.
→ THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
→ HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
- Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
- In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?
The Aggies replied:
- we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.
- Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
- Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
- Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
- Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
- Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
- Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
- Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
- Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
- Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
- Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:
- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive.
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
And...
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!
I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!
So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
....
Unleash the Power of Shift!
My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's…
