Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
- Picky, picky, picky.
- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
- Beauty is only shell deep.
- When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
- Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
- Always turning simple statements into big productions.
- Smalltalk is important.
- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
- They make you take the garbage out.
Top nine reasons computers must be male:
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter
User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")
In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor
Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
Our Morning Prayer . . .
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
- The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
- The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
- The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow
- Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
- When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
- You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
- You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
- Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even…
You know you have been on the computer too long when...
- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.
- When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
- When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
- When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers
"Write in C."
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?
- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
- Support: What sort of trouble?
- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
- Support: Went away?
- Customer: They disappeared.
- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
- Customer: Nothing.
- Support: Nothing?
Computer Problem Report Form
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:
Top ten ways the Internet could get worse
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD…
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft / Idiots Buy Me / Idiots Building Machines / I'll Buy Macintoshes / It Bit Me / It Built Microsoft / It's Better Manually / I've Been Mislead / I've Been Mugged
- WINDOWS: Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed / When I Need Data Output Without Speed / While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation / Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- WIN: Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware
- MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT: My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology / Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
- WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan
Different Operating Systems Expectations
The Life Cycle of Software
The Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.
He said it said:
- File not found.
I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said:
- Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks:
- Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:
Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.
- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
- The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
- Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
- Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
- Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
- Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
- Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
- Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
