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At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says:

- In America, we call this a hug.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says:

- In America, we call this a kiss.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says:

- In America, we call this a grass sandwich.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

- It's a very handy thing - God told the couple - and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.

Adam jumped up and blurted:

- Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please…

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

- Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even…

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

- We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant - she confessed miserably.

- I'm sure we'll solve your problem - the doctor reassured her.

- If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.

- Well, all right, doctor - agreed the young woman, blushing.

- but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned:

- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people…

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

- Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

- Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

- Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

- Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

- Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex:

- Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small - he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

- Well, American beer - he replies quite bemused.

- Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

- I take it you now drink Guinness? - asked the doctor.

- Oh no, Doc - replies the man - but I've got the wife on American beer!

- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

- Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

- For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

- Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

- Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may…

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:

- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.

The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:

- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.

The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:

- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality:

- We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation - she said - ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said:

- Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:

- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.

His buddy said:

- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:

- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?

- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise - he moaned - tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?

- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.

- He's an asshole - John said.

- Piss on him.

- You did - came the reply.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.

His friend says:

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

- So did anything happen?

- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.. Do you have a piece of gum?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

- Is this your husband? - he inquired nervously.

- No, silly - she replied, snuggling up to him.

- Your boyfriend then? - he asked.

- No, not at all - she said, nibbling away at his ear.

- Well, who is he then? - demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied:

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

- Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months - the wife says, - I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

- Then, when I get to work - she continues, - I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write…

An old man went into confession and told the priest:

- Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.

- I see - said the priest.

- When was the last time you were in confession?

- Never, Father - replied the old man.

- I'm Jewish

- So why are you telling me?

- I'm telling everybody!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:

- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?

- I had tolio as a child - he answered.

- You mean polio? - she asked.

- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.

- They're all lumpy and deformed!