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Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with:

- Somebody's gonna get it tonight!

In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.

"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she…

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.

The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him:

- Hey, you have to pay for that.

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again:

- Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the…

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a…

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

- I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do the splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final…

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said:

- Mom mom guess what?

- What?

- I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said:

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

- Officer: May I see your licence?

- Lady: What does it look like?

- Officer: It's a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says:

- If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees. The boy says to the girl:

- Go on climb that tree.

The girl climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girl's pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened. Her mum says:

- Oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again. He told her to climb again and she did. When she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says:

- My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.

The girl replied and said:

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks:

- What are those round things hanging there, daddy?

Proudly, he replies:

- Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here.

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks:

- Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

- Just where the heck do you think you're going!

- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

- Where the heck are you going?

- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

- This is a brothel - replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn? - queried the man.

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:

- Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

- I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.

- Oh really - she spat.

- Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant…

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was:

- F.F.

His wife turned to him and answered:

- E.F.

Out on the highway, he said:

- F.F.

She responded simply:

- E.F.

He repeated:

- F.F.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

Excuse me, your fly is unzipped:

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and…

A worried father confronted his daughter one night:

- I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.

- Oh no, Daddy - the daughter replied - Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.