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- Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off.

- Pupil: You have my permission!

- Teacher: Why didn't you answer me?

- Pupil: I did, I shook my head

- Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you!

- Our teacher talks to herself does yours?

- Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening!

- Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?

- Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

- Why were you late?

- Sorry, teacher, I overslept.

- You mean you need to sleep at home too!

- Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing, dear?

- Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow.

- Mother: Really? Why's that?

- Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.

'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I?'

- Thirty two!

- Why did you say that?

- Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad!

Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander said to his mother.

- The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.

- Why?

- Firstly, you're 35 years old. Secondly, you're the principal.

- Principal: I've called you into my office, Peter, because I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn't use so often. One is "great" and the other is "lousy."

- Peter: Certainly, sir. What are they?

- Teacher: What happened to your homework?

- Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.

What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
→ The multiplication table.

- Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone?

- Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.

- Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank, Alan?

- Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.

Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school?
→ The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.

How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
→ A senior high school math problem.

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

- Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

- Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

- Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

- Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

- Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

- Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.