What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
→ Skeet.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the dog.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her:
- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:
- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!
A guy sitting nearby asked her:
- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?
- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux:
- Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?
Mrs. Boudreaux said:
- Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today…
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man finally responded in an irritated voice:
- YES, I AM!
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out…
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake:
- I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney:
- I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.
- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.
- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:
- Sorry, no land yet.
- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit…
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says:
- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?
- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right…
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it…
You just might be a Redneck if:You've ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby's…
Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring…
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later…
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:
- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!
- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.
- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would…
A termite walks into a bar and asks:
- is the bartender here?
C'mon...think about it! :)
TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!
And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.
- What about trying Viagra? - asks the doctor.
- Not a chance, - says Mrs. Murphy. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.
- No problem, - replies the doctor. - Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
- Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.
- What happened? - asks the doctor.
- Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my…
Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can!
A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says:
- Father during the week I said the F-word.
The priest says:
- Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven.
The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.
- Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, - said the guy.
- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.
- No, - the guy replied. - I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.
- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said:
- Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:
- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
- I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:
- Henry, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. - he said. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying…
