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Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
→ Bring on their subs!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
→ Fiver side!

Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
→ A flat back four!

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
→ Sorry, it was a freak hic!

- Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

- Captain: Well, it could have been worse.

- Manager: How?

- Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

- Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time.

- Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
→ Somebody took a corner!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
→ The scenter spot!

- Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?

- Player: I finished it in three days!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
→ In the gutter!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
→ So that they can pack the defence!

- Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player.

- Fan: Why's that?

- Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
→ They might be cheetahs!

Why was the struggling manager seen shaking the club cat?
→ To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club.

"Were the crowd not behind you," asked the reporter.

"They were right behind me all right," said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"

Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!

What do you call a sick extraterrestrial?
→ An ailin' alien.