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Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
→ All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
→ Aston Vanilla!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
→ Both do hat tricks!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
→ Ince pies!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
→ Jog-raphy!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
→ Because education pays off in the long run!

How does a physicist exercise?
→ By pumping ion!

What's tennis players favourite city?
→ Volley wood!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
→ They tend to go cheep!

- Ref: I'm sending you off

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
→ He was the skipper!

What are Brazilian fans called?
→ Brazil nuts!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
→ A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!